what to do when your friends bully you

Story highlights

• Ally Del Monte, 15, says she wanted to impale herself later existence bullied by friends
• "(Bullying) was normal because that'south what I was used to," teen says
• Bullying among friends can lead to difficulty forming new personal relationships
• Edifice empathy and respect is key to battling bullying in relationships, expert says

The taunts began in second grade when Ally Del Monte started taking medication for a thyroid disorder and gained 60 pounds.

The boys at her elementary school in Westchester Canton, New York, banned her from the jungle gym because they said she would suspension it. The girls fabricated fun of her large jackets and told her she was fat, ugly and weird.

She took everything they said to middle; it was a small school, and they were the only friends she knew. Information technology'due south what friendship was, she thought. Merely years later, as the pattern persisted and grew more than ambitious in middle school, did she begin to see that her friends were her bullies.

"To me, it was normal because that'due south what I was used to," the 15-twelvemonth-old high schoolhouse sophomore said.

"At beginning I didn't consider it bullying because the people treating me similar this were supposed to be my friends. That'south how I perceived myself because that's what they were telling me."

It'southward a recurring theme in movies and pop culture, possibly all-time epitomized in the 2004 moving-picture show "Mean Girls." Bullying among friends, also known as relational bullying, stems from a natural tendency to develop an identity based on your friends. Young people often bring together groups defined by who's included or excluded, experts say, but it crosses the line when it becomes a sustained campaign to hurt someone who'southward not currently "in."

And while bullying sensation has risen in the last few years, bullying among friends remains hard to detect. It's subtler than insults and punches betwixt children who apparently don't get along, said Lynn Bravewomon, coordinator of the Hayward Unified School District'due south Safe and Inclusive Schools Program in California.

It tin take the form of spreading rumors or belittling someone over what they wear. Information technology tin look similar teasing over race, gender or how well they perform in school or sports. Information technology tin happen between the smiles and laughs of friendship, such every bit when Marry'south friends cracked jokes about what she wearing and followed it up with "just kidding." Or, as Ally's mother discovered, information technology tin can happen through social media, making it even harder for parents to discover if they don't know to expect for it.

It can also be more traumatic considering relational bullying is a breach of trust by people who are supposed to be there for you -- like to how spousal or human relationship corruption can lead to trust issues down the road.

"It's a painful bullying dynamic, fed by people with diverse levels of closeness and friendship through silence or encouragement," said Bravewomon, who teaches bullying prevention strategies to educators and students.

' I couldn't escape'

Ally experienced it most acutely subsequently her family moved to New Milford, Connecticut, the summer before sixth class. After a rough kickoff, she became a cheerleader and barbarous in with the popular oversupply. Friends regularly came over after schoolhouse and on weekends for sleepovers. Her parents proudly watched her blossom, relieved that the move seemed similar the right choice.

Then, in 8th grade, she had a falling out with a pop girl and once again found herself on the fringe of school social life. No one would talk to her in the hallways -- they but pointed and laughed.

Eventually, the teasing got louder, meaner and turned physical. "They would shove me into lockers, trip me as I would walk past, and push me on the stairs," Marry wrote in a CNN iReport.

Harassment continued outside of school through phone calls, oft several in a calendar week, sometimes twice in one dark.

"They called me a fat pathetic b****, told me I was worthless, I was ugly, my mom should have aborted me, I should just kill myself, no one likes me, they all want me gone," she said. "I felt hopeless. They could reach me everywhere I went. I couldn't escape."

Her mother, Wendy Del Monte, realized something was wrong when friends stopped coming over and Ally spent most of her fourth dimension in her room. It all seemed to happen then fast; in less than two years, Ally went from being a popular cheerleader to having no friends at all.

But she didn't want to be the overbearing parent, the mom who assumes everyone'due south to blame except her own children. Afterward all, meanness among friends isn't the same as bullying, she told herself.

"You're walking this tightrope, this fine line betwixt trying to protect your children without protecting them so much that they're non able to reach their total potential or larn from their mistakes," Del Monte recalled in a telephone interview.

She did everything she thought she was supposed to do. She contacted Ally's school, put her in counseling and got her on medication, per the doctor'south recommendation. But she didn't know her daughter had turned to cutting and burning herself as a way to release her ache.

She as well didn't know Ally had an account on the blogging tool Tumblr until she found her daughter balled upward and sobbing on her bed, trying to open up a bottle of her begetter's claret pressure medication. She was planning to effort a drug overdose. That'south when she saw dozens of messages on Marry's telephone, telling her to kill herself.

"She finally said to me, 'I'm really sad. I don't know how to handle all of this,' " Del Monte said. "Information technology's like your entire world stops and pivots.

"I've tried to figure out the words for what that moment is like, but it's simply the most awful affair you tin think of when the person you love so much and brought into this globe tells yous, 'I want to leave this world because it'south not the right identify for me.' "

Del Monte brought her daughter to a crisis heart, and the family tried to aid Ally become whole once again. When she wasn't at school, she was with her family or talking to a advisor. She slept on an air mattress in her parents' room for several months. She started a personal blog, Loser Gurl, to piece of work through her feelings and assistance others.

Things eventually got better, "simply information technology wasn't instant," Ally said.

"I sometimes nevertheless felt alone, hopeless, worthless, disgusting and pathetic. It didn't go abroad all at once," she wrote in her iReport. "Merely slowly, it did go away.

"I fabricated it to loftier school. I survived."

Agreement what makes some adolescents vulnerable

This kind of bullying -- betwixt people who even recently appeared to be in a healthy, normal friendship -- isn't the most common. In a recent study, 30% of 18-twelvemonth-olds said their friends had bullied them at to the lowest degree in one case, according to Elizabeth Englander, a psychology professor and founder and manager of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Heart at Bridgewater State Academy.

But information technology'south important because it reflects the extent to which children value peer relationships and understand what it means to be a friend.

"Social rules are the most powerful shaper of social behavior, and club cannot role without social norms. Information technology's important to utilize them every bit all-time you lot can so that people are every bit good and kind and helpful to each other every bit possible," she said. "If nosotros don't print that friendship relationships behave obligations, we're giving up some of our leverage to get people to comport themselves."

Englander'south written report, which is still in progress, as well looked at why some adolescents are more than vulnerable than others to beingness bullied by friends. Mutual factors included difficulty being active in the schoolhouse community, anxiety, depression and trouble maintaining friendships.

"By understanding what makes kids vulnerable, information technology gives you a map for how you tin can assist these kids cope in a more resilient way," she said. "You can't impact if parents get divorced, just you can impact the support systems nosotros provide to kids."

As with any grade of bullying, prevention and intervention comes from fostering respect and empathy for others. (It's not just a problem for children. Adults also tend to define themselves by their differences, too, experts said.)

The challenge facing both groups is simple: Can nosotros honor and respect our own values -- "without defining them by hating others"? Bravewomon asked. In other words, if owning expensive sneakers or beingness 4th-generation Americans is what binds a group of friends, can they learn to live with others different them?

"Schools demand to wholeheartedly respect and value belief systems that all families teach," she said. "Where it runs amok at schoolhouse is when students utilize hate-based behavior because of a personal belief system."

So what can educators and parents do if they can't necessarily even see bullying cloaked in the highs and lows of friendships?

The starting time step is modeling positive beliefs to build a schoolwide expectation of kindness, respect and empathy and cultivate an environs where everyone feels connected, said Chen Kong-Wick, violence prevention programme managing director for the Oakland Unified School District in California.

"Nosotros spend a lot of time teaching students bookish skill sets, but we don't teach expected positive behavior," she said. "It'south harder to gossip, cracking or proper name-telephone call someone if you take a relationship with them."

New Milford Public Schools, where Ally goes to high school, tries to promote an surround of respect past focusing on a unlike "character aspect" each month, Superintendent JeanAnn C. Paddyfote said.

In Oct, when the focus is on responsibility, students have taken turns on the public declaration system sharing what the attribute ways to them. It could be handing in homework on time or, in the context of bullying, telling a teacher when they come across a someone being mistreated firsthand or on social media.

In the digital age, teachers and parents need aid from students to spot cyberbullying, Paddyfote said.

"Anyone who wants to appoint in bullying or mean-spirited behavior knows how to do it then no one catches them," said Paddyfote, who declined to comment specifically on Marry'south case, citing district policy.

"A adept friend -- or person -- will have the backbone to go to a guidance counselor and allow us know when something'south happening earlier it's likewise late."

Creating a 'success story '

Families play a vital part, too, in modeling empathy, respect and kindness -- a lesson the Del Monte family has absorbed in a multifariousness of means.

These days, Wendy Del Monte monitors every aspect of her children's social media activity. She has all their passwords so she can bank check them when she wants. Her son and daughter tin't bring their smartphones into their bedrooms at night; they charge in the family unit room.

She even helps Ally run her weblog, Loser Gurl, which she launched in 2012 after she considered suicide. Del Monte tried to discourage her at get-go, fearing it would become yet another platform through which people would assail Marry. And, while her kickoff post about struggling with her weight drew some negative comments, they were outnumbered past others thanking her for sharing.

Through her blog and social media, she estimates that she has connected straight with more than lx victims of bullying to offer a sympathetic ear and encouraging words. She has friendships -- fewer, but healthier, many of them online.

Marry's goal is to get a motivational speaker so she tin can aid others struggling with the effects of bullying. She wants them to know that their value resides well beyond the social boundaries of high school cliques.

"In that location's not really a success story for anyone who's been bullied. I experience similar people demand to know that someone got through it without having to kill themselves," she said.

"So many people with suicidal thoughts feel like they're alone or no one understands what they're going through. I never want anyone to feel like that over again."

Were you bullied by someone you considered a friend? Share your story in the comments or on Facebook .

gonzalezcoduchis.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.cnn.com/2013/10/29/living/bullying-friends/index.html

Share this post